fore…

(wo) man.

Although this next exchange in which I will make reference to was rather short, the intensity between male/female dialogue was everpresent. Perhaps in the past few years of being immersed in this field of work, I have frequently been subjected to the complexities and miscommunications between males and females. My experiences do not reference modes of dominant/submissive relations between males and females but rather a vastly differing set of skills, methods and perhaps even whole languages that persist in  gendered semantical sets.
Is it possible that much of what we as sociological spectators- hobbyist and habitual alike- and (even scholars?) have interpreted the many exchanges between men and women in such an assymetrical lens that we have overtly-and perhaps unfairly- judged through a negative and thus abusive light when what we were witnessing was a cultural clash?  It is not that I am trying to marginalize or deny any maligning or derogatory behavior because fact of the matter is that many cultural clashes have erupted into some of our the largest humanitarian catastrophes.  That there is no denying. But, there are always a number of ways one can view any given situation and so I urge you to try and re-focus your attention towards a different perspective, so that we can at least take an exploratory journey to seek new possibilities of being able to better live within and amongst ourselves.

With this in mind, I reverberate on this short conversation that took place during the morning.  It was between myself (female) and another individual with whom I work with (male).  As I began my morning office chores, I realized that there were a few documents I needed to get from him.  They were both simple sheets, one noting the hours worked by himself and his 3-man crew for one day, while the others were copies of estimates and client contracts completed by him.

I  got on the phone and started talking.  We briefly reminisced about the weekend but hastily headed into the topic of work.  I let him know that I was in need of these sheets.  There was a defensive impatient reply as he soon revealed he was in the middle of doing work.  Neither of us were particularly aggressive or inappropriate in our exchange but rather we had casually slipped into our male/female alter-roles.  In a sense our brief conversation had quickly assumed the characteristics of a couple engaged in a mild bickering contest- the accusor and the accused.  Rather than behaving like two professional adults requesting from one another items and services necessary to make any normal business day function smoothly, whether it was the way I worded my request initially, or the way I later responded to his answer all our bottled up stereotypes of the others’ identity emerged to cause this unncessary and foolish tension.  All within 30 seconds.  He updated me a bit about the jobsite scenario when I inquired about the budget and scheduling but our conversation was cut short when he informed me that there were some issues that should be discussed in a more private setting.  I said that was fine and we said our goodbyes.

When I hung up the phone I was left feeling slightly incompetent of managing of my own operation, a bit gypped by his response and confused by what just happened.  As far as I could see these were very simple requests that were not brought about in any high tension, schedule pressing circumstance.  They were protocol that needed to be adhered to a bit more strictly but other than that- no big deal.  I thought that is what I had communicated.

Or was it?  I started to review the chain of events again in my head.  Then I began entertain to think that maybe it was an old-fashioned case of sexism.  I wasn’t quite sure but also was not particuarly vexed and resumed my workday.

Later that day, my business partner gave me a synopsis of workplaces occurrences.  He informed me that he had a conversation with the jobsite manager with whom I spoke to in the morning and that indeed he was feeling a bit annoyed by my approach.  Then he gave me some tips on how I could more effectively communicate with men.  It was not that I had necessarily done anything wrong or particularly offensive, but that my manner of speech was one that did not translate favorably to males who needed to take orders from anyone-females included.  Strange I thought.  Continuing on he gave me some “insider tips” and proceeded to explain the sensitivities of the male ego and told me that I should just be more cognizant about how men feel when they are “told what to do,” and to manuever around that for the benefit of all.  And succumbing to any prejudices held by others’ would in actuality be my worst defeat.

All too often we are seduced and unconsciously and independently pursuaded into cashing in on the stereotypical semantical structures that free float around us.  Like the phone conversation earlier today, both parties stood at uncomfortable edges and proceeded to carry on, rather than taking a breath and trying a new approach.  Feeling momentarily disempowered by circumstance (and circumstance alone really) because I was a younger female talking to an older man, I stammered about and communicated in a manner that could have been a bit more tactful and considerate.  In retrospect, just like I became attune with past exchanges with men, perhaps he at the same time felt momentarily stifled by silent echoes of any past negative exchange with a female and thus felt the need to become overly defensive.    The point is, I do not feel that either of us wanted the other to feel how we both did at the end of the conversation.  A combination of a differing cultural understandings of one another (language, social behaviors, methods of communication) and a reliance on past experiences (perhaps those also unfairly judged) resulted in nothing catastrophic, but surely nothing that was particuarly needed.

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